A mother-daughter relationship is one of a woman’s most important and influential bonds. It can shape her self-esteem, identity, values, and choices. However, not all mother-daughter relationships are healthy and supportive. Some are toxic and damaging, causing emotional pain, stress, and conflict. But what causes a mother-daughter relationship to turn toxic? And how can you fix it if you are in one? In this article, we will explore some common signs and causes of a toxic mother daughter relationship and offer tips on how to heal and improve it.

Signs of a Toxic Mother-Daughter Relationship

A toxic mother-daughter relationship is characterized by abuse, manipulation, control, or neglect. It can negatively affect both the mother’s and the daughter’s mental health, well-being, and happiness. Here are some of the signs that you may have a toxic mother-daughter relationship:

• Lack of boundaries. A lack of boundaries is one of the most common signs of a toxic mother-daughter relationship. This can manifest in several ways. One common way toxic mothers violate boundaries with their daughters is by micromanaging their lives. They may try to control their daughters’ choices, opinions, appearance, relationships, careers, or parenting styles. They may invade their daughters’ privacy, such as reading their messages, checking their phone calls, or snooping in their rooms. Another way toxic mothers violate boundaries is by expecting their daughters to fulfill their emotional needs. They may rely on their daughters for companionship, validation, or comfort, and make them feel guilty or selfish for having their own lives. They may also use their daughters as confidants or therapists, sharing inappropriate or personal information that burdens them or puts them in the middle of conflicts.
• Lack of support. Another classic sign of a toxic relationship is a lack of support. Lack of support can be displayed as a lack of empathy or understanding for your problems. Toxic parents usually blame their children for their problems and overreact to minor mistakes they make. They may also criticize, judge, mock, or belittle their daughters’ achievements, dreams, or interests. They may compare them unfavorably to others or themselves or make them feel inadequate or unworthy. Toxic mothers may also withhold praise, affection, or approval from their daughters or give them only when they meet their expectations or demands.

• Emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is any behavior that harms another person’s emotional well-being. It can include verbal abuse, such as name-calling, insults, threats, or humiliation; psychological abuse, such as gaslighting, manipulation, guilt-tripping, or intimidation; or emotional neglect, such as ignoring or dismissing and rejecting your feelings or needs. Emotional abuse can affect mental health and cause low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, anger issues,
• Physical abuse. Physical abuse is any purposeful act that causes bodily harm or injury to another person. It can include hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, biting, choking, burning, or using weapons. Physical abuse can leave visible marks or scars on the body but can also cause internal damage or chronic pain. Physical abuse can also accompany emotional abuse, such as threats, insults, or humiliation.
• Enmeshment. Enmeshment is a term used to describe a relationship that is too close, dependent, and involved. It occurs when a mother and a daughter have blurred boundaries and lose their sense of individuality. They may share everything, from thoughts and feelings to clothes and friends. They may have difficulty making decisions without consulting each other or feel guilty for having separate interests or activities. They may also feel responsible for each other’s happiness or well-being. While the daughter of a dismissive or unavailable mother “disappears” because of inattention and under-parenting, the enmeshed daughter’s sense of self is swallowed whole. Untangling herself from her mother’s identity can be challenging and painful.

Causes of a Toxic Mother-Daughter Relationship

There is no single cause of a toxic mother-daughter relationship. Various factors can influence it, such as personality traits, childhood experiences, family dynamics, cultural norms, or life events. However, some of the possible causes are:

• Unmet needs. Unmet needs can drive a mother to behave in toxic ways toward her daughter. She may have unmet needs for love, attention, validation, security, autonomy, or fulfillment. She may try to meet these needs through her daughter by demanding her affection,
• Projection. Projection is a defense mechanism that involves attributing one’s feelings, thoughts, or traits to another person. A mother may project her insecurities, fears, or regrets onto her daughter and criticize or blame her for them. She may also project her unfulfilled dreams or expectations onto her daughter and pressure her to achieve them. Projection can create confusion and resentment in a mother-daughter relationship, as the daughter may feel misunderstood, judged, or controlled by her mother.

How to Fix a Toxic Mother-Daughter Relationship

A toxic mother-daughter relationship can be hard to fix but not impossible. It may take time, effort, and professional help, but it can be worth it for both parties. Here are some steps that can help you heal and improve your relationship with your mother or daughter:

• Peel back the layers for yourself. It would be nice to read an article and see your mother for what she really is, but that’s not how life works. You need to do some self-reflection and self-exploration to understand your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors about your mother. You need to identify the toxic patterns you learned or inherited from your mother and how they affect your life. You also need to acknowledge the impact your mother’s trauma or mental health issues may have had on her and you. This can help you gain clarity, compassion, and perspective on your relationship.
• Reshape your motherly understanding. Once you have peeled back the layers for yourself, you can start to reshape your understanding of your mother as a person. You can try to see her beyond her role as a mother and recognize her as a human being with her strengths, weaknesses, needs, and desires. You can also try to understand her motivations and intentions behind her actions, even if they were hurtful or harmful. This does not mean you have to excuse or justify her behavior, but rather that you can empathize with her and see her as more than a toxic mother.
• Invest in some serious healing. Healing from a toxic mother-daughter relationship can be long and painful, but it is necessary for your well-being and happiness. You may need to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor who can guide you through the stages of healing and provide you with tools and strategies to cope. You may also need to find other sources of support, such as friends, family members, support groups, or online communities, who can offer you validation, encouragement, and advice. Healing may also involve forgiving yourself and your mother for the past hurts and mistakes or letting go of any resentment or anger you may be holding onto.

• Find a way to regulate your emotions. Emotions are natural and healthy responses to our experiences, but they can also be overwhelming and disruptive if we don’t know how to manage them effectively. Emotions can be especially intense and volatile in a toxic mother-daughter relationship, as they can trigger old wounds, memories, or fears. You may feel angry, sad, anxious, or guilty when you interact with your mother or think about her. You may also have difficulty communicating your emotions in healthy ways, such as talking, writing, or crying. Instead, you may resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as avoiding, suppressing, or numbing your emotions. Learning to regulate your emotions can help you deal with the stress and pain of a toxic relationship and prevent you from acting impulsively or destructively. You can regulate your emotions by practicing mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation, or other relaxation techniques. You can also use positive affirmations, self-compassion, or gratitude to shift your mood and perspective.
• Set boundaries and communicate them. Boundaries are the limits you set for yourself and others in a relationship. They define what you are comfortable with and what you are not. They also protect your physical, mental, and emotional well-being and respect your autonomy and individuality. Setting boundaries with your mother can help you establish a healthier and more balanced relationship with her. You can set boundaries by deciding what you are willing to do or not do for your mother, what you are willing to share or not share with her, and how much time or space you need from her. You can also clearly and respectfully communicate your boundaries to your mother clearly and respectfully and let her know the consequences if she violates them. For example, you can say, “Mom, I love you, but I need some time for myself. Please don’t call me every day. I will call you once a week.” Or “Mom, I appreciate your advice, but I don’t need it now. Please respect my decisions and don’t criticize them. If you do, I will end the conversation.” Setting boundaries may be hard at first, especially if you are used to pleasing or appeasing your mother. She may also react negatively or try to guilt-trip you into changing your mind. However, setting boundaries is not selfish or rude; it is necessary and healthy for both of you.

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Conclusion

A toxic mother-daughter relationship can be a source of great pain and suffering for both parties. However, it can also be an opportunity for growth and healing if both parties are willing to work on it. By understanding the signs and causes of a toxic relationship and applying some of the strategies mentioned above, you can start to fix your relationship with your mother or daughter and create a more positive and supportive bond with her.